he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
