The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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