Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
