had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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