Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
