Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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