checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
