It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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