I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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