just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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