hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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