I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
