you guys were way drunker than both of me
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
