I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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