I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
