if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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