it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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