I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
