so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
