Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
