yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
3pm strippers are depressing
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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