Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
