TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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