I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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