Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
