I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
