When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
