I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I look better un-naked...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
