I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
