i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
