i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
