I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
