Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
