i may or may not be watching the land before time
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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