I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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