Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
