ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
