Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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