Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
