Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
