We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
