i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
