Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize