I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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