my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
