i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
