Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
