I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
