I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
