oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Semen is not good for contacts.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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