Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize