I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
