My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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