you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
