he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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