I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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