our cab driver is having phone sex.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Still dying that you shit outside
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
