the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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