i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
