Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
