Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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