There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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